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23 Apr 2010

Stress Is My First Name, Panic My Middle Name

In a chat with a friend of mine, back in my pre-university days, we discussed how sometimes our intuition warned us of upcoming events and we ended up feeling guilty for not having understood the signs when it was something bad. It's a little freaky but we took it in our stride. We said, "It's a woman's instinct. That's how it is meant to be.

I grew up, almost forgetting that conversation. Yet it lurked in my mind, ready to spring out at (in)appropriate times. 

In the last couple of years, there were two instances where I nagged a dear one to do something and when they did, they ended up in accidents. It is hard not to feel guilty when such things happen. So, how do you get over the nagging feeling that if you had not demanded it, things might have turned out differently?

I've spent most part of my life, never having to visit a hospital (well, almost). My brother and I were too young to realize when dad broke his leg. As far as we were concerned, we visited him at the hospital after school and he would be in a really good mood, amusing us with stories. At home, we got a share of the chicken leg soup that dad was prescribed. Yumm. Mum spent all these years, without ever having to stay in bed (touchwood), so did bro and I, until recently. 

Bro was in the hospital recently, when his wife's dog took a chewy bite off his lower lip. It was a gory sight. While I nearly fainted as I watched the nurses handle the wounds and the needles, I chose to stay because it was better than the alternative. The alternative was to stay away and not know what was happening. I hate uncertainty, I hate not knowing. I just cannot deal with it. It stresses me to no end. 

The only time I have ever been able to handle hospitals, operations, etc were with my Sonu. He wouldn't co-operate with anyone else when he was sick and I loved him enough to overcome my weak feelings regarding hospitals, doctors and everything around them. 

This morning started off with a grumpy me. I checked my email thrice and ended up restless. Something was wrong. It was not so much instinct as it was a conclusion drawn out of a series of un-natural events. When I made a phone call to check, my worst fears were realized! The next few hours were spent in numerous SMS-es, emails, phone calls and tears. The stress of not knowing and the tension of waiting for an update made me dizzy. The news seemed to get worse with each update. Google didn't help, only managed to freak me further. 

The much-awaited call happened but all it did was bring me to tears. Yeah, I guess I'm a sook! "Don't be a cry baby", the message said. Yeah right, easier said than done! Panic should have been my middle name. I was swinging between feeling silly but unable to stop worrying. The final update came at the 7PM call I had waited all day, to make. The friend said, "It's just a girl thing", so he didn't mind me bothering him all day. Thank God for wonderful friends, what would the world be without them!!

A couple of hours later, another call and depression set in again. It was lovely to talk and find out it wasn't so bad. It was awful to hear those groans and feel the weakness in the voice. It hurt. It looks like a long weekend ahead. A really long one! More uncertainty, no updates and lots of wondering. Not fun.

In the meanwhile, CSK is playing a 'super' match against Deccan Chargers. Chennai Super Kings they are. There's a good chance the game will turn around and DC will win but I am hoping it will be CSK that takes home the goodies. Another DC wicket down. 48-4.

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